You know you're pregnant when...

-you have to move over the marker that counts the pounds by increments of 50
-everything in the house suddenly needs to be redone, re-cleaned, redecorated, or restored
-your tummy turns your oven to broil while you're not looking and you end up with some crispy cookies
-you can't bend over to tie your shoes so you ask your husband who has a different definition of "tight"
-people look you up and down, twice, and then smile
-you have the most vivid dreams that leave you wondering if you'll really be as bad a mother, or as unprepared, as you just witnessed
-you hear every story in the book about how and why to go "natural" and how and why you're insane if you do
-your husband talks to your tummy and tells it to be nice to you
-as you sneeze you race for the toilet instead of a tissue
-you agonize over the fact that at the age of 8 you told your mother you hated your name and consider letting the child name itself
-you wonder what the heck kegel exercises are and why you can't seem to figure them out
-you stack and line several extra pillows around your space on your bed and hope your husband can still find room
-you wake up at least five times in the night just to roll to the other side, another three times to go pee and if you're really lucky you're disturbed once more by a powerful kick or a ferocious hunger
-your med student husband tells you that your new heart murmur, dizziness, and breathing problems are "normal"
-you wonder how many more things will be added to the list of pregnancy induced insanity in the final three months... AHHH!